A woman needs a love just like you do, hoo
Don’t kid yourself into thinkin’ that she don’t
She can fool around just like you do, hoo
Unless you give her all the lovin’ she wants
When her eyes are beggin’ for affection
Don’t put her off, don’t make her wait
Don’t try to give her that worn out excuse
About being tired and workin’ late
I tell you one day you’ll come home early from work
Open up the door and get your feelings hurt —(Ray Parker Jr Feb, 21 1981)
WITH THE LYRICS of Ray Parker Jr’s old time
hit ‘A woman needs Love (Just Like you Do)setting the mood, it was obvious the conversation was not the usual.
The setting and atmosphere was very convivial and the participants drawn from all works of life were on point to be involved and learn a few things about how sex and the bedroom affect infertility.
The ambience of the venue was set and the Fertility Counsellor and Sex Therapist, Nordica Fertility Centre, Lagos Mrs. Tola Ajayi was aptly in her element to take everyone present on the pleasure sex ride.
“Sex is a couple’s affair, not just a woman’s affair. It really goes beyond these three mutual friends-love, pleasure and making babies”, blurted Mrs. Ajayi as she opened the conversation of the day.
She then asked, “Do we really believe sex is one intimate act many love to be involved in, but do not love to talk about, much less engage in conversations of how best to have good sex and enhance a dying bedroom relationship”.
“Let’s be frank for once, who among us here does not like to experience sexual satisfaction or after a good sex does not like to play back in the mind and feel it was a waoh experience? Ajayi revved.
“Then, if cool loving sex is to be enjoyed and not endured, each participant must work at making the act memorably unforgettable! Truly the colour of sex impacts on the outcome of the relationship between a married couple whether there be a child or not”, the Sex therapist echoed loud and clear.
According to her, oftentimes when couples meet (not when forced into relationships), there is a chemistry that bond their hearts and bodies and its lurking up somewhere in the brain, “this is my kind of woman or man I want to be with and make love to or have sex with”.
And so, in the beginning the strong bond grew and reach a crescendo where two hearts melt into one by the power of sexual desire, she explained.
Although there are various reasons why two people engage in sex said Ajayi, but in marriage, “sex is a physical need (mostly for men), emotional need (mostly for women), a spiritual need (as prescribed in Gen 1:28) and sex is a relational need as well”.
According to Ajayi, “One of the reasons why have sex is because it relieves sexual curiosity or attraction to a person (a physical reason), sometimes people engage in sex for commercial reasons, emotional reason like commitment and for gratitude and even for purpose of insecurity by trying to boost self-esteem.
But why is sex a big deal in the issue of infertility?
Naturally, achieving pregnancy is through having sex and when a couple is unable to do this within a given time “usually between six months to a year or two of uninterrupted sexual activity, there could be a problem”, observed Mrs Ajayi.
“Therefore, infertility is indeed a big and major life stressor; it brings about feeling of sadness; it promotes physical and emotional discomfort; makes a couple to get to the point of saying ‘why have sex again’ an effect of fertility drugs.
Mrs Ajayi in her candid opinion thinks, “Seriously, the diagnosis of infertility is about the most difficult thing in the sexual life of any couple. It has a high impact on a couple’s sexual relationship and significantly, tends to decrease sexual desire as well as lowers levels of sexual satisfaction”.
But then she says, “Infertility should never be a problem that would bring about separation in the home to affect sex”.
According to her, “The fact that a couple do not have children yet, should not stop their sex lives from making a headway. If a couple thinks there is a challenge in their sex lives, discussing it and looking for help in the right direction is the only way to solving it”, she noted.
Some of the identifiable problems could include: desire disorder, arousal disorder, orgasmic disorder, pain disorder (vagimismus), dysperaramia and so on.)
“Now when the root of the problem is identified by a professionally trained therapist, it is easier to find a solution. In any case every individual should get to discuss whatever the fear about sex is if he or she recognises any even before getting into marriage with the spouse”, said Ajayi.
The problem could be inherent in perception about what sex is or what it is not as a child so, some have experienced abuses as children, some have wrong perception of sex being a form of slavery and so on, but when a couple talks to a professional, there is a process they are helped to go through to re-wire the mind-set, Ajayi explained.
Good sex and infertility
After a couple has been diagnosed with infertility and is undergoing treatment, they are encouraged to do good sex, “because the colour of their sex lives at any point in the treatment procedure, helps to boost outcome and gives good chances to having very good result”, Ajayi pointed out.
“We have found out that after couples have undergone sex therapy, they become more stable, loving and are able to give in to best therapies to achieve higher outcomes in trials for IVF babies”, she added.
Some of the therapies include talking or communicating about the problem itself between couples (perhaps there are fears, inhibitions, taboos, medical conditions etc), best position therapy (in the face of inhibitions), introduction of sex toys, role of masturbation, clinical therapy among others are employed to add colour to a dull and sexless marriage.
“When couples can’t achieve sex due to certain conditions or just need to have variety, sex toys are allowed to help spice up their sex lives. Religious inhibitions should never be allowed to be a barrier.
“Whatever is acceptable to a couple in their private lives is what they should do. If there is a problem and the way to address the problem is by introducing sex toy why not?
“We all have sex issues at one point or the other in our lives and how do we manage that problem goes a long way to reducing the stress experienced in marriages.
“So it is my candid opinion as a sex therapist that no childless couple should have colourless sex lives”.